Do you Really Trust Yourself?

Inspiration’s Safety Net

What happens in the vast array of space between the birth of an idea and its fruition? Countless things. Countless! Stemming all the way back to how our minds were programmed growing up as kids to how today’s weather is affecting our mood. Goals. Plans. Tasks. So much excitement and fun in that safe zone of not actually yet needing the rubber to meet the road. But at one point or another, at one momentous point in time, every grand dream comes down to an ultimate leap of faith. It comes down to trust, of the scariest kind. Trust in yourself.

Do you trust yourself? How many people does it take to back you up, vouch for your dreams and encourage you before you do? How many facts and figure analyses are required? How many sleepless nights going over every possibility? For me, most of my life, the answer to these questions has been “however many people, stats and hours it takes before someone else ends up making the hard decisions for me.”

But let me tell you, in recent and current times, I seem to be facing repeated difficult, life-altering decisions with the perfect storm of illogical magic and cold hard facts. And for some reason, I’m finding that I’m less and less able to just lay low and follow others’ often louder, stronger opinions. Which sucks, because what I’m left with is learning to trust my own damn self! And my self-trust muscles are weaker than my dormant abs. So I’m calling out to those of you who have found yourself in this same difficult situation, as I do what I do and try to make sense of my experiences through this crazy life.

Trust Fall - Literally 🤦🏼‍♀️

If you know me or my writing, you know I am a walking endless supply of personal trials and tales. So allow me to indulge you in another one today.

When I was in college, I volunteered with several of my classmates for an organization that helped tutor young children at a nearby elementary school. As part of the program’s training process, we had to do a little “team building” daytime retreat out in the middle of the woods. It was your standard work-together-solving-problems-as-a-team day. Then toward the end of the day, we came to a tree with a ladder leading up to a high platform. 

We were going to do a trust fall.

One by one, my classmates took turns climbing up then free falling backward into our waiting bridged arms. Easy. Then it was my turn. I am telling you now that I had no idea I was going to have an issue until the moment I reached the top of the platform, turned my back to friends below, and crossed my arms. I totally froze up. I was unable-and unwilling!-to fall. The group leader and my peers were all shouting up words of encouragement. I’d never been in that position before. I’d never been the person in a group that is visibly struggling and simultaneously starting to annoy the others who are being held up. What in the actual world?! Some of you reading this may have actually been there. I’m sorry. 😅 I was embarrassed and immobilized. It took an ungodly amount of time for me to finally decide I’d rather die from a free fall than die of humiliation.

For days to come, I would tell myself and my friends that I had “no idea I was afraid of heights.” But the truth was, it was more the “trust” part I was afraid of. The vulnerability. As I’ve mentioned before, I used to live a very calculated existence! This level of vulnerability and trust that appeared to be so easy for literally everyone else in my group was threatening my basic sense of safety! I wasn’t comfortable not being in total control. I was not cool with being in a position where I could look foolish. It’s not that I honestly thought all of these people would simultaneously forget what to do as I was midair and let me plummet to my death. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust myself to take a chance and put myself out there like that, without having complete control.

Anyway, as I write this now still in a full-body cast…NOT! Obviously I walked away without a scratch, and maybe only a tiny bit of pants-peeing. Possibly. Probably. No one can prove it. 😉 In fact, I felt totally exhilarated! And while I am still slightly afraid of heights, I will trust fall into any crowd anytime (but will still pee my pants a little).

When the Stakes are High

So, me doing a trust fall as a single college student where there are basically 2 possible outcomes is one thing. Seemed incredibly significant at the time. But now…now…I have a family! A mortgage! A business! There are other people involved in my decisions! There are high stakes that have potentially great consequences. If I burn the boat, I have to carry my kids to shore! And possibly my husband. If there’s time. 😉 I am trust falling into high-pressure, potentially debt-ridden, shameful, “irresponsible” situations with the heat of actual hot lava at the bottom.

Why did I put “irresponsible” in quotes? Because the truth is, that word, along with much of the other concerns I hear in my head, is not necessarily coming from me. It’s coming from a panel of real and imaginary figures of authority I’ve created in my mind. Can you relate? I want to share with you some truths I’ve uncovered that I hope will help you trust you from now on.

1. You must identify whose voice you’re hearing

This is one of the most powerful strategies i’ve used as a life coach. When you’re faced with a decision, no doubt you’ll hear an influx of pros, cons, and what ifs. But where, or who, are they coming from? They’re not all going to be your voice. I love helping people really dig in and get to the bottom of whose voices they’re hearing. Sometimes it takes us way back to decades-old wiring that has no use in one’s modern day life. You can do this too! Sit with yourself and pick apart each thought until you have a good handle on not only whose voices you’re hearing, but which thoughts are serving you, and which aren’t. And, of course, what your true voice is saying.

That’s usually where the problems start to spiral for me. When I try to discern which voice is mine, and then attempt to figure out how much stock to put into my own opinions! When I’m faced with making a hard decision, my instinct is to reach out to as many like-minded people as possible in hopes that they’ll tell me what to do. Making my own decision based on my own opinions, beliefs, and thoughts? No thanks! Sounds pretty simple on paper, but it’s anchored in my own insecurities. I’m immobilized up in that tree again, unable and unwilling to “jump” into the unknown.

What insecurities come up when you are about to take a leap of faith? Here are some of mine: I’ll make the wrong decision. This means I’m irresponsible. I’m foolish. I’m reckless. I’m not smart. I’m too different, and, ultimately, no one will like me anymore. I will be alone, and will have ruined others’ lives in the process.

Dear God. I’m putting this absurdity out for all to see in case you can relate. You’re not alone. How do you push through and put stock in your own voice?

2. Unsubscribe from the Guarantee Policy

I am a woman of faith. Strong faith. Faith in a being higher than myself. Faith in others. Even often faith in the unknown. But somehow, I’ve had the hardest time translating this into faith in myself. The world can be a confusing place of mixed messages. I often find myself surrounded by very logical thinkers. We also hear the resounding “Just go for it!” from all corners of the earth. How do you find the balance? How do you know what to do?

You don’t.

End of story.

Because there are no guarantees in this life! Life is not black and white! We are not robots. There is no perfect formula. And you can’t know what you don’t know. This should be a huge “you’re off the hook” sigh of relief for you.

Do you know people in your life who are very decisive? I do. I know people who always seem to know what to do. But the truth is, those people don’t know what to do. They just trust themselves. And their self-worth isn’t tied to perfect end results. Those people make “wrong” decisions, but somehow don’t self-implode. They move on and don’t even see supposed failures as anything other than a minor, distant “Yeah, my bad” in the rearview mirror! Because there is no wrong decision.

Sure, some people are better programmed to naturally exist this way in life, whether it’s thanks to nature or nurture. But it’s a skill that can be learned! With practice! The more you work your decision-making muscle, the easier it will be. And the heavier decisions you’ll be able to take on.

We’re all wired with criteria that our decisions need to meet. The thing that’s slowed me down the most is trying to meet EVERYONE’S criteria when I make a decision. Hearing other voices above my own. Part of faith and trust in yourself is knowing you are a worthy person as is. Give yourself more credit. Part of me actually thinks that I’m going to make decisions like a 5-year-old and kill someone along the way by accident. That’s not only insulting to myself, but insulting to my creator who I believe is actually planting these inspired ideas inside me!

3. The safest decision is no decision.

You’ve probably heard the quote, “A ship in harbor is safe - but that’s not what ships are built for.” My colorful, flamboyant ship has spent decades hiding under a plain tarp, rotting in harbor. Safely. But wouldn’t you know it, the more I venture out, the less my ship is willing to stay docked!

Over the years I’ve noticed a pattern in my huge decision-making. I would try to hard sell my husband on all of my ideas because I wanted him to ultimately make the decision. My decision. Because then I’m somehow off the hook. I know I’m going to like him no matter what, but I’m not convinced that I’m going to be likable if I make the “wrong” decision. Talk about a cop out! So I go to bat for my crazy ideas, give a speech, detail the plans, fret, worry, go to bed, wake up, decide it’s not worth the risk, do nothing, rinse, repeat.

Come on, man. Guess how far that’s gotten me? Guess how much happiness and satisfaction that produces? Exactly. Being the chronic backseat passenger in your own life can relieve a lot of the pressure for a while. But eventually, you get annoyed by someone else’s driving, and you never get to feel the satisfaction of navigating an epic route. Sure, you don’t risk pain, but you also miss out on the exhilaration of the free fall! The thing about marriage is you have to take turns driving. That’s right. Added challenge.

So while it’s safest to do nothing, that’s not what you were made for! What’s the cost of never doing the A, B or C that your heart desires?

Loosen your Grip

My husband and I had coffee yesterday and discussed what feels like an incredibly grand decision on our horizon. Something that’s been bringing out our differences rather than similarities. My husband painted a beautiful metaphor on the coffee shop table where with his finger he drew out a nice square plot of table that represented his comfort zone. He then pointed to the nearby window sill, which represented the outlying ledge that he's even reluctantly willing to venture out onto. Then he pointed to my idea out in the abyss and labeled it an island basically out in the middle of his hell. 😅 I laughed out loud and (I’m nothing if not a quick-witted metaphor match) declared that I’m actually a mermaid floating off the coast of said island. “Come on in, the water’s fine, land boy!”

In other words, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. 😉 But who's right? Logic or emotion? Black-and-white, or rainbow? Rigid, rationality or perfect, flowing, soulful, heavenly…just kidding. Neither. And both! But it took me a long time to realize that “mermaids” can show up to the conversation too, and even add value. And because this is real life, I don’t have to give my voice to Ursula to get what I want. Bahaha. Full circle metaphor for you. You might be thinking, “Talk about a metaphor miss…mermaids aren’t real.” Prove it.

I’m blessed to have married a man where, at the end of every conversation, we both agree that we just want the other to be happy, regardless of if it’s by land or sea. We trust the greater “us” over the circumstance. And both of our worlds can actually be enhanced by loosening the “me” grip and leaping into “we.”

In any seemingly life-or-death decision I’ve been faced with, the answer has ultimately come in the quiet of loosening my grip. Surrendering to trust. Trust in myself. The definition of trust is, “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” It’s not “a guarantee” in anything, or “black-and-white fact,” or “knowing something is correct.” It’s belief! Belief that you’re strong. That you’re able. Which you are. 🙌🏼

If you can be still, you will find the answers you seek are within. It takes practice, and the best time to start was years ago. The second best time is now. 😉 So honor your creator, or yourself, and listen to that voice within! The magic of life here on earth is that nobody really knows what to do, what will happen, or what tomorrow holds. Work that self-trust muscle, and you’ll be ready to take on the magic. ✨

Do you want to be coached in how to trust yourself? Send me a message!