How Self-Help is Like Dieting (and the #1 pitfall to avoid)
“No, you just drink one can three times a day as a meal replacement.”
“For how long?”
“For the rest of your life.”
Self-improvement options can present themselves in so many forms. The quest for a positive change in lifestyle can look like a number of things: starting a new diet or fitness program. Reading a book. Hiring an awesome life coach (ahem). Therapy. Podcasts. Gratitude practices. Meditation. The list goes on.
It usually starts with someone being dissatisfied with his/her current state in some way. Or at the very least, a person wanting things to be different in some area of his/her life.
Let me share which avenues of self-improvement I have personal experience with: all of them. All of the above. Literally! When your love language is all things psychology, you dabble in all the things! Whether from a stance of curiosity, desperation, or personal leisure, I have had a diverse experience. And I’ve drawn some major connections between all of these endeavors (beyond the conclusion that liquid diets do not equal personal leisure). Today I want to suggest that no matter your mode of self-improvement, the same “Dos and Do Nots” must apply in order to find success. And I’m going to illustrate how you can maximize your success without having to Slim Fast your way through self-improvement. Unless you’re into that.
I don’t know about you, but I have some very Type A personality tendencies. Or at the very least, I love being a “good student.” I love me a good rigid program, when I’m feeling lost. Give me systems, rules and regulations, and I will never stray. Until I do. Then, cue an epic tailspin.
I’m certain that many people who have experimented with different diets can relate to this. The first few days or weeks of a diet, you’ve never seen a stricter, more devoted follower than me. There’s some level of reassurance I (used to) get from losing myself into someone else’s plan. And as long as I stuck to the rules, I knew I had worth and approval. But, more often than not, just as I was tying my personal worth to this new plan with a double knot, any number of things would happen that would result in a “breach of contract” between me & this new plan. And if the plan went down the tubes, my attached worth did too.
“As long as I stuck to (someone else’s) rules, I knew I had worth and approval.”
It’s one thing if a health program doesn’t produce the desired results. But now I’ve gone and attached some meaning about myself where it doesn’t belong!
What about other forms of self-improvement? All aboard the All or Nothing Alison train again! It’s no secret that devouring a new personal growth book is #livingyourbestlife in my world. I used to get absolutely engrossed in self-improvement books, because I thought that absorbing the information was a way that I could leave Alison behind. So I would faithfully start living the practices of so-and-so. Whatever I was reading would become my new Bible. And life would be awesome. Until it wasn’t. Until I didn’t adhere exactly to so-and-so’s model, and was left with subsequent thoughts of being a failure.
See the connection? Here is what I feel is the biggest determinant of success in any manner of self-improvement:
Customization!
Customization. Spoiler alert: that’s basically it.
Instead of working yourself into someone else’s program, make a program work for you! Instead of me trying to “leave Alison behind,” I had to bring her along, and tailor the program specifically to her, and her current season of life! I had to learn that it was okay to take some info and leave some info. To choose a little of this and a little of that to truly be able to flourish as me. I had to put my own spin on things. Does this mean “take the easy way?” No. (And if you need help distinguishing between the two, I can help.)
If you ever want to learn this lesson harshly and hilariously, try starting just about any form of self-improvement shortly after giving birth. I remember getting so excited about this new “Inner Strength” program I had found, when my first born was about three months old. Just listening to someone lay out the steps for success in this program made my sleep-deprived head spin. But do you think I said to myself, “This is a great program, but for the sanity and well-being of myself and my family, I’m going to adjust the concepts, or maybe even press pause until life is a little more stable.” Hahaha. No. I told myself, “No excuses,” and launched myself into so-and-so’s plan for my life. #Backfire. I eventually got so frustrated that I decided that working on myself just wasn’t going to happen in the foreseeable future. But that didn’t necessarily have to be true either! It just needed to look a whole lot differently than waking up when someone else told me to wake up, exercising when someone else told me to, accomplishing a, b, c, etc. Dude. I was trying to tell my swollen feet that it was stiletto season.
Now, I will say, this ability to immerse myself into knowledge is actually a gift. But there’s a difference between immersion and conformity. There’s no harm in trying on someone else’s shoes. It’s what you tell yourself if they don’t fit that matters.
Respect your season.
It’s easy to take someone’s word as gold, or the Bible, especially when they’re a symbol of authority in their field. But at the end of the day, we’re all just a bunch of humans sharing our ideas with the world. And while some ideas and principles can nicely apply to just about everyone, you know when you can’t sustain something and still be living a joyful, authentic life. Where I come from, there’s only one Bible. And even that isn’t to be taken literally. :)
Self-improvement is not a one-size-fits-all model. You have to pick and choose what works for you. You have to customize your own plan. There are great people and amazing ideas behind these programs, and things are becoming more customizable every day, whether it’s nutrition (shout out to my health & fitness coach friends!) or motivation. Just don’t turn on yourself if it doesn’t all fit.
“Where I come from, there’s only one Bible. And even that isn’t to be taken literally.” :)
If you thrive on systems, by all means! Develop a system and hold yourself to it! But it has to be your system. And at the end of the day, don’t evaluate your self-worth based on your ability to fit into someone else’s shoes. Whatever it is, try it on, keep what fits, and move on.
To me, customization is the cornerstone of life coaching. And it’s what makes coaching so effective (and fun)! Coaching provides the space and tools for a person to totally customize his/her own path, growth and life! Drop me a line to get started on your customized life. The first meeting is always free. :) And my word is gold, and applies to everyone. (That was a test.) ;)