Finding your Vulnerability Sweet Spot
Today I’m going to talk a little about the art of learning to be more vulnerable, or showing up as the truly authentic version of yourself. It sounds simple, but if you’re anything like I was…it’s not! So, I’m going to take you on my journey from starting at the very opposite end of the spectrum from vulnerability…to maybe going too far in the other direction…to finally finding my vulnerability “sweet spot!”
Phase One: Under-Sharing.
For much of my life, I have had what I consider to be a very calculated existence in relation to other people. Sometimes as humans we like to have control over our lives, and that was me. In fact, I wanted to have complete control over every person’s perception of me. If it sounds exhausting…it is! It’s downright unsustainable. But nevertheless, I would share very little of my true self with most people. It would get a little awkward though, when people I knew well would be like, “What? You had a major back surgery? How did I not know this?” or “You were featured in some random commercial?” or “Where do you even live?” Can you relate to this? Why would I live like this?
There are a few reasons. First of all, I somehow misinterpreted early on that talking about one’s self in any way equals being conceited. Somewhere I got the message that talking about myself is not okay. It’s best to listen. But let’s be clear: there’s a lot of space between being totally narcissistic and…mentioning along the way that – oh hey, I’m launching an entire business in two weeks, that no one here has even heard about! Ha! Kind of comes back to wanting all the control, and making sure no one has the chance to have a negative thought about me.
There’s a lot of space between all or nothing.
But really, what’s underneath all of it, is a whole lot of fear. Fear of being exposed. Fear that deep down, something was wrong with me, and I would be outcast from all of society (insert eye roll). If people didn’t really know me, I could never be rejected. Better to protect myself by putting very little of my true self out there. How many people live their whole lives like this? Many do! And at such a great cost.
I actually got upset one day reading the Facebook post of a woman I admired. She was talking about things I was passionate about, she was speaking my truth, she was even quoting things and people I often quoted. And she was getting a raving response. This weird envious feeling came over me, and I felt like, “Hey! That was my idea!” I sat there and thought to myself, “What’s her secret? What does she have that I don’t? What is she doing that I’m not doing to connect with people on this level?” When I realized the answer, I had a good, long, obnoxious, ugly laugh. The difference between her and me? It was simply that she lived out loud. She put her thoughts out there. She wrote them down and clicked “post.” I had done this ZERO times. And I was all mad, watching somebody else livin’ my life, preachin’ my message!
I was too afraid to put anything but perfection out into the world. But as it turns out, I was doing myself a disservice by only showing some highly edited parts of me to the world. I was putting a ceiling on the level of connection I could reach with other people. I was cutting off the flow of personal & professional opportunities available to me.
Phase 2: Over-Sharing
Being authentic is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. Being guarded may not be protecting you as much as it is hindering you in life. But, this doesn’t mean every person you encounter in Walmart automatically gets Level 3 Security Clearance into your personal life! Here’s how I navigated this this nuance, along with the biggest tips I can share with you.
Have you ever learned a new skill, or subscribed to a new thought or idea, and have just run with it? Suddenly, the “old you” is miles behind, unrecognizable, and was “so clearly wrong.” For me, whether it’s a new diet, a new concept I’ve read about, or some new exercise craze I’m into, I find there’s a delightful little period that I like to call overcorrecting. Suddenly I’m diagnosing everyone else’s issues in my head. “It’s so simple! If they only knew this new information.” Suddenly, if you’re not drinking 100 blended vegetables per day, you’re a crazy person. Suddenly, it’s so obvious that carbs are the devil, and always have been. I’m so caught up in fixing some former behavior that I try to instantly transform into the opposite persona, and convince myself that it’s permanent.
What does this have to do with vulnerability and social connection? Ha! I wish nothing. You see, when I started figuring out that life was a lot more enjoyable when I was being authentic and open with others, I wanted to run with it. Because I had lived a life of careful calculation, it was like learning a new skill. And because my brain equated that old behavior = bad and new behavior = good, I felt that I needed to launch myself into this new world at a high speed. Enter overcorrecting.
So instead of following the limited safe social script I had written for myself, I was now following the script of, “blurt out as much about yourself as you can think of.” What could go wrong? Haha. I can still picture the look of confusion on the face of the girl I didn’t know in a small gathering when I took it upon myself to interject my recent digestion perils after someone brought up having heartburn. Or when I scanned my brain to think of anything I could say at a buzzing dinner table and found the words “breastfeeding woes” spilling out of my mouth without being able to stop them. Sorry, too much information. That’s the point. ;) I was bypassing any sort of genuine dialogue just to adhere to the script of, “Talk! Share!” The problem was, I was still following a script; it was just a far more aggressive one!
Phase 3: The Sweet Spot
So how do you find that happy medium in the middle of all or nothing? The biggest advice I can offer you is
Be Present.
If you’re too caught up in what you should or shouldn’t be doing, sharing, thinking, you’re missing the moment, and you’re missing the point. What is the point of relationships and social connection & interaction? I used to think the point was to make sure I was everything to everyone. That every interaction was some kind of an interview or talent show, and if the other person didn’t walk away extremely pleased with my “performance,” I had failed. But that is (obviously) not the point. The point is to share in life’s greatness with others. To “find joy in the journey” in an authentic way. I find that you can really only do this when you’re being present. When you can quiet your mind and be in the moment, you can truly engage with others. You can listen & share as you feel fit. When you’re present, you’re also able to clearly gauge your own feelings and naturally distinguish what you wish to bring to the conversation.
If you’re not being present, you’re missing the moment, and you’re missing the point.
2. Lose the Script
Being present means ripping up whatever mental script you carry around with you. It means re-examining the expectations you hold for yourself in relation to others. I recently overheard a woman talking about how she was going to have to “arrive early & drink a quick glass of wine” to get through a dinner with a new “extroverted” friend without “being her awkward self.” True story! Imagine the expectations she must carry for herself if she feels the need to physically alter her state of being just to “pull it off!” Been there, done that. I have to imagine the script she’s reading herself includes rules like, “Be funny. Be an extrovert.” instead of “Be present. Be yourself.” Which leads to the last tip…
3. As Always, Know Yourself, Love Yourself, & Be Yourself!
This is a mantra I’m going to continue to repeat throughout my work. When you already like yourself, you’re not out there constantly seeking approval from external sources. You get to participate in all life has to offer. You’re on offense, not defense. Meaning, you’re making decisions about who you want to spend time with, not just wrapped up in who wants to spend time with you. You get to receive others’ gifts, not just give all of yourself away. You get the freedom of choosing who you surround yourself with, and don’t feel the need to try to be everyone’s peach pie! One of my favorites quotes surrounding this topic is, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” So if you're a peach, be a peach, loud enough so that those other peaches around can find you! (#YourTribeCantHearYou.) And don’t try to become less peachy just because so & so prefers pears. :)
Bottom line, finding your vulnerability “sweet spot” will happen organically when you’re being present and authentic. If putting yourself out there is new and you’re worried about overcorrecting & spewing too much information about that mole on your back…I say, relax. If you’re following the above tidbits of advice, you’re going to share information for the sake of connecting, not just talking. And if you miss the mark a bit at first, you’ll get some good stories out of it. Turn it into a blog. :) :)
“Share yourself for the sake of connecting, not just talking.”
I want to add my little disclaimer here: I’m not an expert on vulnerability; this information is based off of my personal experience! I don't want to unintentionally encourage anyone to push the limits of their own personal boundaries. But I do encourage you to evaluate your boundaries and maybe challenge those old ones that have been keeping you “safe” but have actually been clipping your wings! Ultimately, it’s not about how much you share. It’s about being present & genuine. I’ve found that what happens when I put myself out there and use my authentic voice is 100% more than what happens if I don’t! That’s the point. Actions create reactions! Now I’m living. I’ve discovered what it’s like to actually be living in the present, not in such a calculated, pre-determined way. Life is happening now. In raw, real form. And so am I!
If you can relate to this, for the love of God, comment below - I know I’m not the only peach in this fruit cake! Whether you’re a peach, pear, or pepperoni pizza…I’d love to hear from you. :)
Some of the most fun you can have in a coaching session involves reinventing yourself in this way! Hit me up when you’re ready!